Let's Talk About Sex... :

Shall we talk about sex? We sure think about it a lot. We watch people pretending to do it a lot on TV and in the movies (Well, we assume they’re pretending). We buy all kinds of products and services in the hopes we’ll be having sex a lot, and all the magazines tell us we SHOULD be having sex a lot. But that doesn’t mean we can actually TALK about it. Particularly in a new relationship -- when DO you talk about it?

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Recently I got an email from a chap who asked me that very question. He had just begun dating a new gal and wanted to know when it was appropriate to begin discussing sex with her. He wanted to make sure they were on the same wavelength regarding sex, and didn’t want to pursue a relationship with her if they weren’t. They hadn’t gotten anywhere near the bedroom (or any other shagtastic location for that matter), but he was still worrying about when to start discussing it (let alone trying).

I appreciate his concern. I do believe sexual compatibility is important in a relationship -- but it’s a combination of many things: mutual attraction to begin with, tempered by emotional baggage and cultural upbringing.

I think the time to start talking about it with someone is the moment you both realize you really want to do it together. Ignoring the fact this often happens after several appletinis when your brain can barely pinch two neurons together, in my opinion, the primary focus of your initial discussion should be the methods of protection you’ll be employing rather than who’s going to be on top the first time.

Unless your first time together is on your honeymoon, how you plan to deal with the rather unromantic notions of communicable disease and unwanted pregnancy should be top on your list of discussion points. However, I don’t think the guy who emailed me had that in mind. He was thinking more about what he likes to put where, and how often.

I’m not sure it needs to be a formal discussion. Once you’ve embarked on a physical relationship with someone, you’re going to figure it out by trying! And just because it isn’t something I liked with the guy before you doesn’t mean I won’t think it’s rather dandy with you. What was acceptable or tolerable before had a lot to do with who I was doing it with before.

One of the most pleasurable things in a new relationship is its very newness! Discovering things together rocks. Exploring your sexuality together is a wonderful way to increase your intimacy. Listing your preferences is not. You’re not going for a haircut fergawdsakes, you’re making love!

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