Days of Thunder: The Price of Gas :

There aren’t too many topics that get people talking like flatulence does. It's a fact of life, of course. It's one of those things, however, that some people (many "dudes") relish talking about and others (many "ladies") tend to shy away from. Regardless, mention gas and you’ll hear giggles, see blushing and incite people to make grimaces that imply disgust.

But the truth, hard to digest as it may be, is this: Everyone, and I mean everyone, gets gas, passes gas and has to deal with gas.

My research has led me to uncover certain things about the sometime-noisy, sometime painful, sometime embarrassing act. Here are a few: Some people are morning gas-passers; the SBDs (silent but deadlies) smell worse; beans cause more gas than many other foods; and each person passes gas about 14 times per day. Yes, even you.

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A former co-worker of mine (who will remain anonymous) was known for passing gas. Often. Loudly. Some may say offensively. After a year of this, my office mates and I persuaded her (yes, her) to go see a gastroenterologist, the doctors that specialize in gastric medicine. Reluctantly she made an appointment and got checked out. The next day, she returned to work and looked very upset. Pale. Distraught. On the verge of tears.

Naturally, we inquired as to what was wrong. Her reply: "I’ll never eat again. Every single food that I like gives gas." What do you mean, was my and my colleagues’ response. "Yeah, man. Check out this list." She then produced a four-page, clearly oft-photocopied handout with a listing of almost every conceivable food from every single food grouping you could think of. It was alarming. My colleagues and I looked at each other and immediately saw guilt in each other’s eyes. We felt bad for having criticized this intelligent, until-then happy woman about her fartsy (hold the artsy) ways.

I immediately quipped: "Wait, isn’t it also from like, swallowing air or something? Or does that just cause belching?" She said yes, swallowing air makes you do both. I tried to find a bright spot for her, being that things like bread, pasta, tomatoes, onions, lettuce and bananas were on the list. I almost said, "At least you're not a burper!" I somehow held that back, and instead remained silent-stayed. "Every time you swallow anything you swallow air," she said. "Oh no, you think I'll start burping all the time too now?" I hung my head with a furrowed brow.

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