Recovering from Rejection :

We all get rejected at different times in our lives. Our lovers unexpectedly break up with us. Friends terminate relationships sometimes without rhyme or reason. The job that seemed like a shoe-in doesn't happen. The college you banked on accepting you with open arms sends a terse rejection letter.

Rejection hurts whether you are prepared for it or not. There is a whole series of emotions you go through when you are snubbed. These emotions are similar to what one goes through while grieving. At first it is extremely difficult to take in the rejection experience. It often feels like being totally abandoned and left to fend for yourself. You end up in denial. The rejection does not feel like it actually happened. It feels surrealistic, a trauma someone else is facing, not you.

The next emotion experienced is rage. You are angry with the person who rejected you. You may feel this anger intently or it may be experienced as more distant. Often the rage becomes self-directed. You express anger at yourself for not being "good enough" for the rejecter. You dwell on second guessing and wondering what could have been. You blame yourself for his leaving and at that point you are indeed broken hearted. The next stage, as grief expert Elizabeth Kubler Ross explains, is bargaining. You say to yourself, "If I keep living the clean life, she will come back to me." If I stop smoking, I will be reunited with my boyfriend." The next stage is depression when you begin to realize that the person who rejected you is not coming back. This stage is filled with sadness where the tears fall and the longing ache for the rejecter is realized.

Bitterness is also part of depression. It is at this point that you feel extremely resentful that you gave so much of yourself to your lover and now he is gone. You also realize that your vision of your former lover is tainted and he is not the virtuous person that you believed him to be. it feels like he bought the heaviest boots he could find and stomped all over your heart.

The final stage is acceptance where you understand that the time to dwell on this loss is over and it is time to move on.

Theses stages don't have any set sequence and you can experience more than one simultaneously. It also takes time to work through rejection. It is not a matter of snapping your fingers in order to instantly remove the pain.

Some folks are so devastated by rejection that they avoid social situations or other settings that may lead to rejection. They learn to not take any risks that even hint at the possibility of becoming emotionally wounded. There lives become safe, but lacking passion and fulfillment.

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